i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
