omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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