I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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