I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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