Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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