she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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