I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
