I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
