I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
