Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
