he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
