the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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