oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
