Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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