saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
