I just saw a hot homeless man
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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