im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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