My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
