hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
