I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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