The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
