My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
