mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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