after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
