Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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