my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
