dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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