I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
