your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
