i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
