What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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