Apparently you make a good broom.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
