the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
