This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
