I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
