go do what you do best...puke behind churches
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
