this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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