I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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