he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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