I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
