peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
