I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
