the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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