I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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