Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
