hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
