apparently the secret to your success is patron
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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