Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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