There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
