How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
