Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Randomize
