i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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