Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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